英语幽默小短文

英语幽默小短文

Wake up! Wake up! It's time for sleeping pills!

醒来！醒来！现在该吃安眠药了！

The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"

"I'll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.".

Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Improvement

One student to another: "How are your English lessons coming along?" "Fine. I used to be one who couldn't understand the English men, and now it's the English men who can't understand me."

Half or Five Tenths?

Teacher: Would you rather have one half of an orange or five tenths? Gerald: I'd much rather have the half.

Teacher: Think carefully, and tell me why.

Gerald: Because you lose too much juice when you cut the orange into five tenths.

The Reason of Being Late

Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost says, 'School -- Go Slow'.

When Do People Talk Least?

Student A: When do people talk least?

Student B: In February.

Student A: Why?

Student B: Because February is the shortest month of a year.

The plural Form of "Child"

Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

Tom: Men.

Teacher: Good. And the plural of child?

Tom: Twins.

All Except the Music

A keen young teacher wanted to introduce her class to the glories of classical music, so she arranged an outing to an afternoon concert. To make the occasion even more memorable, she treated everyone to lemonade, cake, chocs and ices. Just as the party was getting back into their coach, she said to little Sally, "Have you enjoyed yourself today?"

"Oh, yes, miss!" said Sally, "It was lovely. All except the music, that is."

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home. Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

The Climate of New Zealand

Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?

Matthew: Very Cold, sir.

Teacher: Wrong.

Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

Lightning

Teacher: Why is it said that lightning never strikes the same place twice? Roy: Because after it's struck once the same place isn't there any more!

Who Discovered Australia?

Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.

Johnny: It's there, sir.

Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?

Sammy: Johnny, sir.

Essay

Teacher had set his class an essay in "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Steel handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play."

How Many Rabbits?

Teacher: Now, Jonathan, if I gave you three rabbits and then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have?

Jonathan: Nine, sir.

Teacher: Nine?

Jonathan: I've got one already, sir.

To Go to Heaven

Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?

Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home.

教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”

“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。

“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”

疯人院

一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说："我是拿破仑！"另一个说："你怎么知道？"第一个人说："上帝对我说的！"一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来："我没说！"

进步

一位学生对另一位说：“你的英语最近学的怎么样？”

“很好，我过去不懂英国人说话，可现在是英国人不懂我的话了。”

半个还是十分之五

老师：你愿意要半个柑橘，还是十分之五个柑橘？

杰拉得：我宁可要半个。

老师：仔细想想，说出理由来。

杰拉得：因为你如果把柑橘切成十分之五，那柑橘汁就损失太多了。

迟到的原因

老 师：约翰尼，为什么你每天早晨都迟到？

约翰尼：每当我经过学校附近的拐角处，就见路牌上写着‘学校－缓行’。

人们什么时候说话最少？

学生甲：人们在什么时候说话最少？

学生乙：在二月。

学生甲：为什么呢？

学生乙：因为二月是一年中最短的一个月。

"孩子"的复数形式

老师：汤姆，‘男人’这个词的复数形式是什么？

汤姆：男人们。

老师：答得好。那‘孩子’的复数形式呢？

汤姆：双胞胎。

除了音乐

一位热心的年轻教师想让她的学生多了解一点优秀的古典音乐，就安排了一天下午去听音乐会。为了使这次活动能给大家留下更深的印象，她请大家喝柠檬汽水、吃点心、巧克力和冰淇淋。在大家回来上汽车的时候，她问小萨莉：“你今天玩得好吗？”

“噢，好极了，小姐，” 萨莉说，“除了音乐其它都很好。”

我妹妹的手指头

老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了？

凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。

老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀？

凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。

新西兰的气候

老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样？

马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。

老师：错了。

马修：可是，先生！从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

闪电

老师：为什么说闪电从来不会两次击中同一个地方？

罗伊：因为它击中一个地方一次以后，那个地方就不存在了。

谁发现了澳大利亚？

老师：约翰尼，在地图上给我找出澳大利亚在什么地方。

约翰尼：先生，在这儿。

老师：对了。萨默，你来回答我是谁发现了澳大利亚？

萨默：先生，是约翰尼。

作文

老师给学生出了个作文题：“一场板球赛”。两分钟后，西蒙。斯蒂尔交了作文，老师允许他回家了。他在作文上写道：“下雨，比赛终止。”